“Ground mummy became as widely used as aspirin is today, at least among the people who could afford to pay for it. Francois I, the king of France himself, considered it a wonder medicine and always carried a pouch on his neck for emergencies.”
“Mummies weren’t always rare. In fact, they were quite abundant until at least the 16th Century. Then, for the weirdest of reasons, the extremely civilized Europeans started eating them.”
“The Vikings, who were hunting for narwhals in the cold Arctic waters, sold their tusks to the superstitious European nobility, advertising them as unicorn horns. Demand was high because the naïve Southerners were convinced beyond doubt that unicorns truly existed. Not that anybody had seen one. People just yearned to believe in made-up stories.”
“In 982, less than a century after their arrival in Iceland, the Vikings reached Greenland. In 1000 they went even further and landed in Newfoundland, where they settled comfortably in a place called Vinland. The first known American with European parents was born soon after. His name was Snorri Thorfinnsson.”
A Hop a Day is a Degree Away!
Dear followers, I am going to hop on one foot to raise awareness about global warming and the Second Coming of Christ. Does some of you have the balls to join me?
“Neither the Church nor any educated scholar of the Columbian era insisted that the Earth was a giant pancake carried by elephants. Ironically, such ludicrous beliefs would develop much later in human history, proving beyond doubt there’s not a direct correlation between scientific progress and human stupidity.”
“Gazpacho is a cold summer soup coming from Spain, the ancient homeland of all Hispanic people, which nowadays is ruled by Europe.”
“Sixtus IV, who had the misfortune to reign as Pope in those troubled times, got truly scared and even started making plans for Rome’s evacuation, in case the Ottoman hordes from Otranto decided to head north. Drawing fire exit labels with one hand and calling for a global Christian crusade against the infidels with the other, he finally hit the jackpot when Mehmed II died and a dynastic battle prevented further Ottoman expansion. Perhaps this little twist of fate saved the Roman Pantheon from becoming a mosque and ensured that the just painted nude bodies of Adam and God in the Sistine chapel would not be covered by layers of hypnotizing arabesques. In stark contrast to the Papacy, the Muslims hadn’t yet developed an appreciation for homoerotic pornography.”
“Just in case someone had doubts about the seriousness of their claims, the popes started wearing a fancy 3-layer tiara that looked like a late 20th Century beauty parlor hair-dryer. Extravagant clothing has always been used for intimidation purposes but the papal tiara was a true masterpiece of its kind. It was also uncomfortable to wear, although what is a neck injury next to the promise of universal supremacy?”